Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes ♫

So, it has been a while since I have updated the site, and there is a lot of stuff I need to push out, however life has been busy lately! In a good way. I hope... Well, in at least one way I know it has! I have acquired a car, and can drive independently, for the first time in half a decade! (that's 5 years; if you have no jazz) And it's beautiful! A Subaru! ~just what I wanted~☆, in a very favorable color for me! I call her Janie, lol. While this has certainly been great, it has also been an adjustment for me in many ways... One being the weight of finances and other grown up shit; but also the changes to my body... But HEY!! I've felt so much more free, even if this chicken only goes a couple yards from the coop... I also got approved for a treatment that I've only sought and been denied for the past year! I will start very soon. I am nervous, but hopeful since really the worst it can do is give me neutral results. On the other hand, I am talking to a surgeon about a very scary decision needing to be made about my way-fucked-up bladder. Apparently a very hard organ to repair.... seems like many other things have a fix (growing a new one,using animal parts, 3d printing shit, electronics, just to name a few...) so I don't know why they haven't made any advancements like that on bladders yet! (Just my luck, actually) But HEY I'm not a scientist, and at least Lindsey Lohan can look 29 again after starting to rapidly age from her years of struggling. On one hand its like "Hey fuck man how did you use your degree to develop THIS vain bullshit" and on the other "well, if lindsay can hop off the struggle bus (apparently), then maybe I am not too hopeless after all" Then again my boyfriend isn't a millionaire (he doesn't even exist/ do i want him to? (that's been another burning question lately... ⚢)), and the human nervous system is apparently a real motherfucker to rewire, so I think I might be living on a prayer...

But pray I will, even if my version of prayer is to the Mother Earth, and the faded beliefs of the man once known as Jesus.

I don't know whats real these days; I think I've always been agnostic though. I kind of believe anything is possible, as far as miracles and the divine and such... You truly find God when you abandon religions, I think. I guess I'm going on this tangent because my childhood dog passed away, after 12 good years. In my own case, death (or 5 minutes of it) was nothing; a void of darkness enveloping you like a warm hug. Best way of explaining it. But now, I really hope that it is not true, and that the glowing city in the clouds is a real place, and my dog is waiting for me in Heaven. It's only been a couple days, and I am still finding it hard to believe. Despite the fact that it was obvious that it was coming, since he was covered in tumors, and operation was virtually impossible. In a way, I was secretly hhoping for it, just to give him comfort and peace, but now that he isn't here I'm so upset. I cannot believe the fact he is in the ground, despite the fact that I was the one who made sure he was comfortable, wrapping him up in the blanket before they lowered him into the ground. My emotions are still so raw, and they run so deep. I am grateful I got to spend the last five years with him; even though we didn't ever go for a walk -like we used to- again.

I've just made myself cry again. It definitely won't be the last time too. I "apologize" for the intense tonal shift there, lol. I mean, not really this is my blog, but I guess I just have no better way of saying it hahah.

Anyways, if life can give me a break, and I can get my head clear-ish, then hopefully my site updates will start to pick up for the first time after dismantling the whole damn thing.

Ciao